Blog Anxiety

No-one reads this blog, so what's the point?!

Oh well.

Me, I've been reading the newest Harry Potter and I actually like it. I was surprised to like it, considering the one before was so awful: long, rambling, boring! But yeah, this one's cool.

School's back, and to a certain extent, I'm enjoying it too! And life in general. On the last day of the holidays I was really distressed at the thought of going back to school... but things are never as bad as they seem. Thank God.

I feel weird. Sick. Because I'm writing here.
Maybe I'll just delete this whole blog.

Seeya later, perhaps.

Quinn

Didn't Miss OC!

Big Brother sucks arse, and tonight it ran overtime again. Must be lucky! Otherwise (God forbid) I would have missed the first bit of The OC.

Come to think of it, The OC kinda sucks arse too.

Loving this blog...

Quinn

First "REAL" Post

I've wanted a blog for some time now, and even started a couple, but never got past one post. I was never honest enough.
So I decided that the best was to be UBER (a cooler way of saying SUPER!) honest was to start by typing straight from entries I've written in my old diaries. God, it's been embarrassing! And if anyone I know happens to find this... brr... well, let's not go there.

From now on, posts here will be written straight to here. Hopefully they'll make more sense than all the insane ramblings from my diary.

Should be cool.
---
It's school holidays again, and a family is staying with mine at the moment. They have two kids.
I HATE KIDS.
Yeah, whatever, it's a horrible thing to say. But I can explain... kids are loud, annoying, stupid and... creepiest of all... TEMPORARY. No-one is a child forever (and I don't know who'd want to be). They are incomplete, their personality is only just beginning- they are completely different people from who they'll be when they grow up. It's like the child is only the foundation- a soulless foundation- for what they will eventually become.

Last night I dreamed that I saved a baby from drowning. That's got to mean something.

What else can I tell you about? Gosh... I'm now writing for my readers. Instead of just myself! It is so awesome! Uh, assuming anyone's even reading this... if you just read that I guess you are! Good on you!
My hair is cool at the moment. The awful, cold black dye is fading and it's now a really nice, glossy shade of dark brown. Wish it was naturally like this. Really, I should just be glad that I even still HAVE hair- seriously, it's a wonder it hasn't all fallen out what with all the dye I've been torturing it with lately.

Guess I must be lucky.

I AM lucky! I'm a lucky person. Because I'm a raving optimist, it must create good karma or SOMETHING. I'm not sure if I even believe in all that stuff, but sometimes I have to wonder.

I still haven't found Dreamchild, but feel sure I will. And the guy-I-have-never-met-but-have-fallen-in-love-with-the-concept-of-him? Yeah, I still love him. He's my "main" crush now. I think that J will always be just a friend, after all. I really do need an older guy, someone who can match my spiritual development (or whatEVER! That sounds so stupid!).

Also, I have decided that I don't necessarily need a GUY at all. Yes, I'm now "officially" bisexual! Or at least, in theory. I've never been in love with a girl (have I ever actually been IN LOVE with a guy though? It all depends on definitions), but I have had a few crushes (which I am so proud of!). Girls, in general, are hotter than guys. Although hot guys are hotter than hot girls. And girly guys are the best of all.

Shit, I'm missing The OC.
Bye!
love Quinn

Dreamchild

I've been putting off writing in here for way too long. You see, something huge will happen, but I won't know a good/poetic way of translating it into words. So I don't write it immediately, and the more I don't write, the more stuff builds up and I get scared or something. I don't know...

Now it's been nearly two months since I last wrote and it really is time to recap! It'll be brief though... it has to be... so much has happened. It's 9:30 and I have to go to school tomorrow, and if I'm not careful I'll be here for hours. So, here goes.

I am friends with J now, and am so happy about that. We say hi to each other when we see each other, have actual conversations and... we're just friends. Well, not "just friends" exactly, there is chemistry (or whatever!) too. We've even seen a movie (Mr and Mrs Smith... it was cool but not good) together, but with other people there too, and it wasn't like a date.

Dyed my hair, I was sick or reddish-brown. I accidently dyed it black. THE BOX SAID THAT IT WAS BROWN, BUT IT WAS FUCKING BLACK!!! Was quite shocked, traumatised, spent the day with a towel over my head...
But it's slowly fading back to brown. Plus, J said he liked it! Sweetheart.

For the first time ever, I went to the annual festival in my town. Loved it. So much. There were lots of cool gay people and this guy who liked Darren Hayes and a nice guy who asked to take my photo. I like to think that I looked cool; I was wearing purple sunnies with matching scarf, long grey/black coat with orange shirt underneath and matching orange gloves. And accidently-Gothic-black hair. I do look pretty Gothic right now with the hair and pale skin and everything, which isn't as bad as I originally though. Actually kinda like the thought that people may see me as a Goth- even though it isn't my intention.

Anyway, maybe (read: DEFINITELY!) the most important news: I may have found my soulmate at that festival. There was the coolest, most lovely guy playing in a band there and I took his photo and he was just... lovely. He was smiling at me (probably 'cos I was taking his photo, idiot [me, not him!]) but anyway... I couldn't help smiling back and there was that SPARK. But then I had to go- Dad was leaving with the car, and I either had to go or walk all the way back home later. If I could turn back time, I would have never gone.

I caught a fleeting glimpse of him as I ran off... and haven't seen him since.

"When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I can't put my finger on it now...
The child has grown. The dream is gone".

That was from my new favourite song, a cover of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" done by the Scissor Sisters. That song's about heroin or something, but I like to put my own meaning to it :)

Ever since I left, I've been thinking about him. Regretting leaving him. Ever since I left, I've been searching, hoping that I'll find him again. I just have the strongest feeling that I have to find him... I can't explain it.

By asking around, I think I've found out what highschool he goes to... if it's right, I may have a chance.

By the way, I always refer to him in my mind as "Dreamchild". Lame, I know, but the name came to me and just STUCK.

Another person I have to mention is... oh, I dunno! This guy I've never even met (no, not a famous person. Just a guy). But my parents know his parents and I have heard so much about him... is it possible to fall in love with the CONCEPT of a person? Because that is what is happening. I guess I'll meet him someday...

dreams...

Got to go, I'll try to write more regularly.

Much love,
Searching for you, Dreamchild,
Quinn oxox

Searching And Hoping

I haven't written for ages- almost 2 weeks- since the J "incident". Lots has happened since then, and first of all, I'm fine now.
I suppose it was the utter shock of my dream meeting with reality that got me so upset in the first place, that made me feel so lost.

For a little while, I fell completely out-of-love with J. Now, I'm pleased to inform you that I have fallen in love with him (with a vengance!). It was bound to happen. The guy's just so sweet! So complimentary. He even said he liked my haircut-

-yes, I've had a haircut. It's short and spiky and messy and I LOVE it.
After I fell out-of-love with J, I knew I needed to cut my hair. It's all I felt like doing. Cutting it all off. Freeing myself. Liberating myself.
Well, I (wisely) ended up finding a hairdresser to cut it off for me, and I can safely say that it's the best cut I've ever had, the only one that feels like it truly "belongs" to me, is a part of me. It's attracted a lot of attention too. Good attention.
Unexpected comments also came from the crush guy (remember him?!?). I haven't spoken to him for ages, and today he just walked up and started talking about my hair. Now I have a bit of a crush on him again... nice.

Not much of a crush though. Just a little spark again.

But you know what?
Through the entire J "fiasco"- I never completely gave up hope. Never, not once. It lead me to discover a beautiful thing: my definition. Finding a definition for someone so imperfect, inconsistent and hypocritical as myself is no mean feat. And so, here it is... me:
SEARCHING AND HOPING.
It defines me brilliantly, perfectly. I'm so proud of thinking it up and joins the "mental honour-roll" of my finest achievements.

More big news. I've finally tidied my room up (and plan to keep it clean). Which means no more embarrassment, pressure, paranoia... and an electric guitar. It was a bribe from Dad to make me clean my room (why he even cared so much, I don't know) and it's gorgeous.
When Dad brought the guitar home, he put it in his room ('til I cleaned my room), and when no-one was around, I snuck up and kissed it and told it; "We're going to be famous".

I swear, we are.

I have new hope. New promise. A new hair cut. A new guitar. Renewed love.

I haven't been this happy in a long while.

Searching And Hoping (the A needs a capital too- it's a proper meaningful word in this case, not a conjunction),
Quinn
oxox

Don't Leave Me Alone

I feel sad and depressed, and the reason is J.
He has a girlfriend.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me... but it was such a shock... a disappointment... I was so SURE that he was single. I guess that up until now I'd entertained myself with the notion that he liked ME... y'know, in the same way as I like him. That dream's pretty much been shattered.

The first time I was alone since finding out, I just burst into tears. I sat on my bed for at least an hour, crying and silently screaming the words to songs. All the saddest/angriest love songs I have. When Doves Cry, A Million Days, Don't Walk Away, Break Me Shake Me, Hold Me...

I now have developed a deep and deadly fear of being alone... loveless... throughout life. I'm beginning to feel like I'm all alone in the world, in the universe. Left to wander through eternity without a soulmate. Darren Hayes is the closest person to a soulmate I know. Except I don't know him. And may never meet him.

"The Vampire Lestat" (my current Vampire Chronicle) is beautiful... I can identify with Lestat... with Armand... so much. Maybe they'd be my soulmates if they were somewhere out there.

It's half-past 10 now and I should REALLY be getting to sleep. I hope I CAN sleep tonight.

I'm so stressed out by schoolwork and it's only the first week back. My shoulders and arms hurt because I do weights for Wednesday afternoon sport and I have no-one to talk to, so I have to lift the whole time. Or sit there staring into space, which is NOT an option.

I'm exhausted and heartbroken.

I feel beaten.

I know that I can't make it without J.

Or someone.

Quinn

What I LOVE in Guys

VUNERABLITY
My major vice. This especially makes me fall in love with someone. Helps me empathise, feel. I find it irresistable.

SWEETNESS
The have to be nice, sweet and caring. In touch with their emotions, expressive, gentle and loving. It's so important.

INTELLIGENCE
I am, and they have to be too, or else we just won't connect properly, be able to have deep talks or communicate well.

SIMILARITY
It sounds so arrogant, but I love people like me. In fact, the more like me, the better. We have to be soulmates in every sense of the word.

LOOKS
Okay, it's superficial. But there must be physical attraction to SOME extent. That does make sense, doesn't it? Ideally, I love full lips, dark hair, and pale skin and eyes. And I am aware that I just described myself...

GIRLINESS/CAMPNESS/METROSEXUALITY
It's just cute and lovely! And guys wearing makeup... oh my God.

DEEPNESS
They must be complicated. Reflective. Sophisticated.

DARKNESS
I have a dark side. I'm fine with that. Not too dark, but they must be imperfect. Perfect IS imperfect.

Quinn

Carbunkle

I have a carbunkle on my leg. Well, Mum called it a carbunkle and I liked the word.
It's an infected sore, caused by a blister popping. The blister was from a burn caused by my hot-water bottle (it has burned me so many times but I still love it... it's an abusive relationship). Hope it heals soon... I've heard of someone who had a carbunkle and it spread to their crotch (what an awful though) and almost them.

K has two friends sleeping over with her tonight, in the tent in the backyard. There's no way you'd catch me sleeping in a tent- too uncomfortable.

I bought U2's new album, "How to Dismantle and Atomic Bomb". My first (and like, only...) U2 album ever. Love it.

Until next time, love.
from Quinn oxox

Sick!

It's the holidays. Oh, yes. I can feel so much relief- rest at last.
I've been sick the past 2 days (still went to school though). It started last night, as a really bad feeling like heartburn in my chest. Like a weight was pressing down on it. Ear-ache too. Whatever it was, it was bloody painful.
My skin is now super-sensitive (even my clothes hurt to wear) and my eyes are buggered; I can't look from side-to-side. Just straight ahead, constantly.
I'm hoping it's nothing serious, nothing that a good night's sleep can't cure. And sleep is what I plan to do these holidays.

To other matters now-love matters-

I sat a few seats behind J on the bus this morning. His friend sat behind him so he kept turning around to talk to her, so I got to stare at him for the whole bus trip.

Problem is, I literally DID stare at him for the whole bus trip. He must know something's up. But I suppose I kinda (read: desperately) want him to know... I just don't want to actually TELL him... in words, you know?

Crazy little thing called love.

On a serious note, J makes me happy, makes me act AND feel nice and inspires me to keep on going.

Gotta go to bed soon, and sleep my sickness (and troubles) away. I kinda like being sick: taking care of myself, feeling sorry for myself, being all "sad" and cosy...

Goodnight, Darling.
Much love.
oxoxox Q

Creeping Up on U(2)

You know J? I still have a major crush on him. As I grow older, I am learning to appreciate the value of the "crush".
It's the holidays really soon, Thursday is actually the last day of term. Now normally, I'd be so excited, but this time I'm just nervous. I don't want to leave J. I'll have to love without him for TWO WEEKS.
"Do I have to live without you?"
So I really want to make friends with him, talk to him, before the holidays start so maybe we can catch up in them... but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.
I'm too shy. But I'm trying.
"Do I have to breathe without you? 'Cause nobody could. I need to be around you..."
Those lines are from "Creeping Up on You" by Darren. I know it's a song about a stalker, but there is beauty, truth and wisdom in it too! I hope.

I have a new obsession/crush/celebrity I like/potential soulmate. The one and only, Bono. He's so cool, and U2 are so cool. I've liked U2 for a while now, but would never have considered myself a fan until now.

I really need to sleep now,
love from Quinn
oxox