Searching And Hoping

Blog Anxiety

2005-07-23T22:40:00.000+10:00

No-one reads this blog, so what's the point?!

Oh well.

Me, I've been reading the newest Harry Potter and I actually like it. I was surprised to like it, considering the one before was so awful: long, rambling, boring! But yeah, this one's cool.

School's back, and to a certain extent, I'm enjoying it too! And life in general. On the last day of the holidays I was really distressed at the thought of going back to school... but things are never as bad as they seem. Thank God.

I feel weird. Sick. Because I'm writing here.
Maybe I'll just delete this whole blog.

Seeya later, perhaps.

Quinn

Didn't Miss OC!

2005-07-05T22:15:00.000+10:00

Big Brother sucks arse, and tonight it ran overtime again. Must be lucky! Otherwise (God forbid) I would have missed the first bit of The OC.

Come to think of it, The OC kinda sucks arse too.

Loving this blog...

Quinn

First "REAL" Post

2005-07-05T20:38:00.000+10:00

I've wanted a blog for some time now, and even started a couple, but never got past one post. I was never honest enough.
So I decided that the best was to be UBER (a cooler way of saying SUPER!) honest was to start by typing straight from entries I've written in my old diaries. God, it's been embarrassing! And if anyone I know happens to find this... brr... well, let's not go there.

From now on, posts here will be written straight to here. Hopefully they'll make more sense than all the insane ramblings from my diary.

Should be cool.
---
It's school holidays again, and a family is staying with mine at the moment. They have two kids.
I HATE KIDS.
Yeah, whatever, it's a horrible thing to say. But I can explain... kids are loud, annoying, stupid and... creepiest of all... TEMPORARY. No-one is a child forever (and I don't know who'd want to be). They are incomplete, their personality is only just beginning- they are completely different people from who they'll be when they grow up. It's like the child is only the foundation- a soulless foundation- for what they will eventually become.

Last night I dreamed that I saved a baby from drowning. That's got to mean something.

What else can I tell you about? Gosh... I'm now writing for my readers. Instead of just myself! It is so awesome! Uh, assuming anyone's even reading this... if you just read that I guess you are! Good on you!
My hair is cool at the moment. The awful, cold black dye is fading and it's now a really nice, glossy shade of dark brown. Wish it was naturally like this. Really, I should just be glad that I even still HAVE hair- seriously, it's a wonder it hasn't all fallen out what with all the dye I've been torturing it with lately.

Guess I must be lucky.

I AM lucky! I'm a lucky person. Because I'm a raving optimist, it must create good karma or SOMETHING. I'm not sure if I even believe in all that stuff, but sometimes I have to wonder.

I still haven't found Dreamchild, but feel sure I will. And the guy-I-have-never-met-but-have-fallen-in-love-with-the-concept-of-him? Yeah, I still love him. He's my "main" crush now. I think that J will always be just a friend, after all. I really do need an older guy, someone who can match my spiritual development (or whatEVER! That sounds so stupid!).

Also, I have decided that I don't necessarily need a GUY at all. Yes, I'm now "officially" bisexual! Or at least, in theory. I've never been in love with a girl (have I ever actually been IN LOVE with a guy though? It all depends on definitions), but I have had a few crushes (which I am so proud of!). Girls, in general, are hotter than guys. Although hot guys are hotter than hot girls. And girly guys are the best of all.

Shit, I'm missing The OC.
Bye!
love Quinn

Dreamchild

2005-06-26T21:30:00.000+10:00

I've been putting off writing in here for way too long. You see, something huge will happen, but I won't know a good/poetic way of translating it into words. So I don't write it immediately, and the more I don't write, the more stuff builds up and I get scared or something. I don't know...

Now it's been nearly two months since I last wrote and it really is time to recap! It'll be brief though... it has to be... so much has happened. It's 9:30 and I have to go to school tomorrow, and if I'm not careful I'll be here for hours. So, here goes.

I am friends with J now, and am so happy about that. We say hi to each other when we see each other, have actual conversations and... we're just friends. Well, not "just friends" exactly, there is chemistry (or whatever!) too. We've even seen a movie (Mr and Mrs Smith... it was cool but not good) together, but with other people there too, and it wasn't like a date.

Dyed my hair, I was sick or reddish-brown. I accidently dyed it black. THE BOX SAID THAT IT WAS BROWN, BUT IT WAS FUCKING BLACK!!! Was quite shocked, traumatised, spent the day with a towel over my head...
But it's slowly fading back to brown. Plus, J said he liked it! Sweetheart.

For the first time ever, I went to the annual festival in my town. Loved it. So much. There were lots of cool gay people and this guy who liked Darren Hayes and a nice guy who asked to take my photo. I like to think that I looked cool; I was wearing purple sunnies with matching scarf, long grey/black coat with orange shirt underneath and matching orange gloves. And accidently-Gothic-black hair. I do look pretty Gothic right now with the hair and pale skin and everything, which isn't as bad as I originally though. Actually kinda like the thought that people may see me as a Goth- even though it isn't my intention.

Anyway, maybe (read: DEFINITELY!) the most important news: I may have found my soulmate at that festival. There was the coolest, most lovely guy playing in a band there and I took his photo and he was just... lovely. He was smiling at me (probably 'cos I was taking his photo, idiot [me, not him!]) but anyway... I couldn't help smiling back and there was that SPARK. But then I had to go- Dad was leaving with the car, and I either had to go or walk all the way back home later. If I could turn back time, I would have never gone.

I caught a fleeting glimpse of him as I ran off... and haven't seen him since.

"When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I can't put my finger on it now...
The child has grown. The dream is gone".

That was from my new favourite song, a cover of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" done by the Scissor Sisters. That song's about heroin or something, but I like to put my own meaning to it :)

Ever since I left, I've been thinking about him. Regretting leaving him. Ever since I left, I've been searching, hoping that I'll find him again. I just have the strongest feeling that I have to find him... I can't explain it.

By asking around, I think I've found out what highschool he goes to... if it's right, I may have a chance.

By the way, I always refer to him in my mind as "Dreamchild". Lame, I know, but the name came to me and just STUCK.

Another person I have to mention is... oh, I dunno! This guy I've never even met (no, not a famous person. Just a guy). But my parents know his parents and I have heard so much about him... is it possible to fall in love with the CONCEPT of a person? Because that is what is happening. I guess I'll meet him someday...

dreams...

Got to go, I'll try to write more regularly.

Much love,
Searching for you, Dreamchild,
Quinn oxox

Searching And Hoping

2005-05-10T21:07:00.000+10:00

I haven't written for ages- almost 2 weeks- since the J "incident". Lots has happened since then, and first of all, I'm fine now.
I suppose it was the utter shock of my dream meeting with reality that got me so upset in the first place, that made me feel so lost.

For a little while, I fell completely out-of-love with J. Now, I'm pleased to inform you that I have fallen in love with him (with a vengance!). It was bound to happen. The guy's just so sweet! So complimentary. He even said he liked my haircut-

-yes, I've had a haircut. It's short and spiky and messy and I LOVE it.
After I fell out-of-love with J, I knew I needed to cut my hair. It's all I felt like doing. Cutting it all off. Freeing myself. Liberating myself.
Well, I (wisely) ended up finding a hairdresser to cut it off for me, and I can safely say that it's the best cut I've ever had, the only one that feels like it truly "belongs" to me, is a part of me. It's attracted a lot of attention too. Good attention.
Unexpected comments also came from the crush guy (remember him?!?). I haven't spoken to him for ages, and today he just walked up and started talking about my hair. Now I have a bit of a crush on him again... nice.

Not much of a crush though. Just a little spark again.

But you know what?
Through the entire J "fiasco"- I never completely gave up hope. Never, not once. It lead me to discover a beautiful thing: my definition. Finding a definition for someone so imperfect, inconsistent and hypocritical as myself is no mean feat. And so, here it is... me:
SEARCHING AND HOPING.
It defines me brilliantly, perfectly. I'm so proud of thinking it up and joins the "mental honour-roll" of my finest achievements.

More big news. I've finally tidied my room up (and plan to keep it clean). Which means no more embarrassment, pressure, paranoia... and an electric guitar. It was a bribe from Dad to make me clean my room (why he even cared so much, I don't know) and it's gorgeous.
When Dad brought the guitar home, he put it in his room ('til I cleaned my room), and when no-one was around, I snuck up and kissed it and told it; "We're going to be famous".

I swear, we are.

I have new hope. New promise. A new hair cut. A new guitar. Renewed love.

I haven't been this happy in a long while.

Searching And Hoping (the A needs a capital too- it's a proper meaningful word in this case, not a conjunction),
Quinn
oxox

Don't Leave Me Alone

2005-04-28T22:18:00.000+10:00

I feel sad and depressed, and the reason is J.
He has a girlfriend.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me... but it was such a shock... a disappointment... I was so SURE that he was single. I guess that up until now I'd entertained myself with the notion that he liked ME... y'know, in the same way as I like him. That dream's pretty much been shattered.

The first time I was alone since finding out, I just burst into tears. I sat on my bed for at least an hour, crying and silently screaming the words to songs. All the saddest/angriest love songs I have. When Doves Cry, A Million Days, Don't Walk Away, Break Me Shake Me, Hold Me...

I now have developed a deep and deadly fear of being alone... loveless... throughout life. I'm beginning to feel like I'm all alone in the world, in the universe. Left to wander through eternity without a soulmate. Darren Hayes is the closest person to a soulmate I know. Except I don't know him. And may never meet him.

"The Vampire Lestat" (my current Vampire Chronicle) is beautiful... I can identify with Lestat... with Armand... so much. Maybe they'd be my soulmates if they were somewhere out there.

It's half-past 10 now and I should REALLY be getting to sleep. I hope I CAN sleep tonight.

I'm so stressed out by schoolwork and it's only the first week back. My shoulders and arms hurt because I do weights for Wednesday afternoon sport and I have no-one to talk to, so I have to lift the whole time. Or sit there staring into space, which is NOT an option.

I'm exhausted and heartbroken.

I feel beaten.

I know that I can't make it without J.

Or someone.

Quinn

What I LOVE in Guys

2005-04-20T21:30:00.000+10:00

VUNERABLITY
My major vice. This especially makes me fall in love with someone. Helps me empathise, feel. I find it irresistable.

SWEETNESS
The have to be nice, sweet and caring. In touch with their emotions, expressive, gentle and loving. It's so important.

INTELLIGENCE
I am, and they have to be too, or else we just won't connect properly, be able to have deep talks or communicate well.

SIMILARITY
It sounds so arrogant, but I love people like me. In fact, the more like me, the better. We have to be soulmates in every sense of the word.

LOOKS
Okay, it's superficial. But there must be physical attraction to SOME extent. That does make sense, doesn't it? Ideally, I love full lips, dark hair, and pale skin and eyes. And I am aware that I just described myself...

GIRLINESS/CAMPNESS/METROSEXUALITY
It's just cute and lovely! And guys wearing makeup... oh my God.

DEEPNESS
They must be complicated. Reflective. Sophisticated.

DARKNESS
I have a dark side. I'm fine with that. Not too dark, but they must be imperfect. Perfect IS imperfect.

Quinn

Carbunkle

2005-04-19T23:57:00.000+10:00

I have a carbunkle on my leg. Well, Mum called it a carbunkle and I liked the word.
It's an infected sore, caused by a blister popping. The blister was from a burn caused by my hot-water bottle (it has burned me so many times but I still love it... it's an abusive relationship). Hope it heals soon... I've heard of someone who had a carbunkle and it spread to their crotch (what an awful though) and almost them.

K has two friends sleeping over with her tonight, in the tent in the backyard. There's no way you'd catch me sleeping in a tent- too uncomfortable.

I bought U2's new album, "How to Dismantle and Atomic Bomb". My first (and like, only...) U2 album ever. Love it.

Until next time, love.
from Quinn oxox

Sick!

2005-04-07T20:56:00.000+10:00

It's the holidays. Oh, yes. I can feel so much relief- rest at last.
I've been sick the past 2 days (still went to school though). It started last night, as a really bad feeling like heartburn in my chest. Like a weight was pressing down on it. Ear-ache too. Whatever it was, it was bloody painful.
My skin is now super-sensitive (even my clothes hurt to wear) and my eyes are buggered; I can't look from side-to-side. Just straight ahead, constantly.
I'm hoping it's nothing serious, nothing that a good night's sleep can't cure. And sleep is what I plan to do these holidays.

To other matters now-love matters-

I sat a few seats behind J on the bus this morning. His friend sat behind him so he kept turning around to talk to her, so I got to stare at him for the whole bus trip.

Problem is, I literally DID stare at him for the whole bus trip. He must know something's up. But I suppose I kinda (read: desperately) want him to know... I just don't want to actually TELL him... in words, you know?

Crazy little thing called love.

On a serious note, J makes me happy, makes me act AND feel nice and inspires me to keep on going.

Gotta go to bed soon, and sleep my sickness (and troubles) away. I kinda like being sick: taking care of myself, feeling sorry for myself, being all "sad" and cosy...

Goodnight, Darling.
Much love.
oxoxox Q

Creeping Up on U(2)

2005-04-05T22:37:00.000+10:00

You know J? I still have a major crush on him. As I grow older, I am learning to appreciate the value of the "crush".
It's the holidays really soon, Thursday is actually the last day of term. Now normally, I'd be so excited, but this time I'm just nervous. I don't want to leave J. I'll have to love without him for TWO WEEKS.
"Do I have to live without you?"
So I really want to make friends with him, talk to him, before the holidays start so maybe we can catch up in them... but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.
I'm too shy. But I'm trying.
"Do I have to breathe without you? 'Cause nobody could. I need to be around you..."
Those lines are from "Creeping Up on You" by Darren. I know it's a song about a stalker, but there is beauty, truth and wisdom in it too! I hope.

I have a new obsession/crush/celebrity I like/potential soulmate. The one and only, Bono. He's so cool, and U2 are so cool. I've liked U2 for a while now, but would never have considered myself a fan until now.

I really need to sleep now,
love from Quinn
oxox

Smart Stuff

2005-03-28T21:50:00.000+10:00

I'm rather excited about School tomorrow... to see J, I guess. I Google-d him today, but didn't find anything.

Today I also improved my vocabulary (but does this mean less "cool"s and "sucks"? Not likely...)! What you do is change song lyrics to more sophisticated (read: fancy pantsy) ones:

"I'm picking up the good vibrations"
becomes "I am experiencing pleasurable trepidations"

or shit like that.

Ever since, I have been thinking more carefully about my wording of things... becoming more articulate? It would be a blessing. A phrase I'm loving: "This is a situation up with which I have certainly no intention of putting!". But that's not being articulate, just confusing.

In other news, rellies came to visit today. One of my uncles (who I've never mentioned before now) is a superior musican, at piano, guitar and music in general. I was in awe, and a little jealous. But I console myself: I've only been playing guitar for a year. And I'm great!
He was having interesting and intellectual conversations with my Dad and you know what? I remained liking and accepting who I am through it all. I'm getting better.

Well, I'd better go... to sleep...

In happiness, and anticipation of the future,
Quinn oxoxox

Have You Had Your "Plus" Sign Today?

2005-03-27T23:11:00.000+10:00

I'd better start where I left off. The last entry I made here was nearly two weeks ago.

A lot can happen in two weeks and I'm a different person, really. Just wanna say, first, I'm still the same me. I love the old me. But I've grown so much!

On the 16th, this kid who catches my bus, J, asked if I had any paper. I said yes and found him a piece. I'd never spoken to J before, and didn't really like him.

I then proceeded to think about him all day.

It was raining that afternoon, and the stupid bus late, so we were out in the rain for about an hour. As it turns out, J and I have a mutual friend so I was talking to them. He mentioned that I was nice, because I gave him paper. Of course, I've been enamored (learned that word from Darren Hayes! It means "marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness") ever since.

I would make an awesome secret agent. Since my infatuation with J started, I've used random, obscure sources to find out "secret information" about him (like, uh, his full name...). I'm proud of myself anyway.

The thing is, J is almost 3 years younger than me. I have ALWAYS gone for older guys. I guess it makes sense that I'd like someone younger, when I think about it, as I adore characteristics like sweetness, submissiveness, vunerability... that makes me sound like such a predator! Ick!

But anyhow, I think I'm falling in love with him. I'm showing all the physical symptoms of it (this has NEVER happened before, and it's WEIRD). As I write about him, I feel nervous, butterflies in the stomach. Understatement. I feel downright nauseous.
I want to talk about him constantly. He's in my dreams. I embarrass myself THINKING about him. Hey, I even want to go back to school (it's a long weekend: Easter) just so I can see him! I try to justify the fact that I'm always thinking about him by saying I'm just "romantic". But I'm really just obsessive.

Moving right along... unrelated matter...

"Went deep" with K again a few nights ago. She told me that she was suffering from depression (I had no idea!), but who knows if she actually, as in clinically, has depression. Apparently, she always feels sad/like shit, and doesn't enjoy life anymore.
JEEZ!
The line in "Unlovable" by Darren Hayes: "Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?" sums up me and K, to a T. Sometimes she is so like me. I should like it that someone's like me (the whole soulmate thing), but maybe it's just the fact that she's my little sister and all. I don't want her to be like me! I don't want to be like her! And what I see of myself in her is my "dark side", the sad and twisted me, which I honestly don't need reminding of everytime I speak to her.
The outcome of K's relevations have been good. Since the talk, I've been a lot happier. Getting right down to the heart of the matter, K freaked me out with all that stuff about depression and sadness. I discovered that you have to be UP to go anywhere, and more importantly, that I actually want to be UP.

Actually, sadness: the bittersweet and the meloncholy (but not full-blown bloody depression!), are still (as they have always been) very attractive to me. Even though I've been getting more in touch with my happy side lately, I always end up acting sad when I want to attract attention.

More tomorrow.
Stay tuned.

Quinn oxox
oxox

I Like the Tension, the Tension and the Spark

2005-03-16T16:30:00.000+11:00

Gosh. I haven't written for over a month. Not sure exactly why... but I do have serious committment issues.

School sucks. Hate the pressure. Assignments. Awkward situations. Boredom. Early mornings. I especially hate English.
I adore Visual Design though. Not to brag, but I'm the best in the class and anyone who thinks otherwise has BAD TASTE. As egotistical as that sounds, it's true! I bet the pros would agree.

Another good thing about school: MY BABIES. Not actual babies. People I'm interested in. People with the SPARK- "I like the tension, the tension and the spark". Oh yes, I do.
I'm not sure if I'll ever even have a relationship with any of the people. Or, what KIND of relationship. I'm thinking friends only.

Oh, and crush guy? Over him. Now, just another insignificant person in the sea of crushes I've had.

Dyed my hair last Sunday. BLONDE DISASTER. Dyed it back the same night. Hair is now a coppery brown, a bit unnatural looking, but an eternity better than baby-chicken-yellow. Several people have told me it looks nice. Cool. But I really miss my old hair. I'm getting it cut this Friday, by the way.

It was K's birthday today. I gave her some magazines, a video and two CDs. Best present I've ever given anyone.
K got far more presents than I did. As much as I hate feeling jealous, I felt so, SO jealous. Unloved. Maybe it's just me, taking things too personally and being overly-sensitive. But maybe not. My birthday presents were so shit and unthoughtful, K's? The opposite.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.

I had a beautiful dream the night before the last. A man was lying in a bed and another man (me, in the dream) asked if they could lie next to him. I asked if I could lie next to him, and he said yes. The man was lying there reading a book and I could tell he was happy that I was with him. Later in the dream, I asked if we could hold each other as we went to sleep, so we did.
I was really disappointed to wake up.

The dream actually had the same sort of vibe as the Vampire Chronicles, which is probably why I liked it so much. Since I last wrote, I have read more books in that series: The Tale of the Body Thief, Memnoch the Devil (my new favourite book) and Blackwood Farm (the story of the Vampire Quinn).

Ohh, all of it is so beautifully sad. Bittersweet. Sad that it's not real (I'm kinda in denial about that, though).

I have to go.
Love Always, Quinn oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Hypocrite

2005-02-07T16:30:00.000+11:00

We had a surprise party for Dad yesterday to celebrate his birthday. Everyone, including me, had a BLAST! I like my parents most when they're happy. I don't know if that makes me hypocritical because I don't consider MYSELF a happy person (I'm not depressed or sad... usually... mainly bittersweet/meloncholy). I missed school on Friday because I slept in by mistake. If I'd hurried a little I could have made the bus, but I don't like school anyway. It's not too bad, but if I have an excuse to miss it? No question.

I'm reading a new Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles book, "Queen of the Damned". Loving it. Loving Lestat. Loving this Lestat quote (and it's directed at the reader...=me!):
"So until we meet again, I am thinking of you always; I love you; I wish you were here... in my arms".

How GORGEOUS is that?

Although Lestat's only a character in a book (and I do realise that), I think we have so much in common! He could really be based on me. He's my "soulmate character".
The search for divine redemption (if there is such a thing), the need to feel loved, the desire to do good; influences us so much. But unfortunately, it has to contend with the second major influence: "Serve One's Self" (also goes by the name of selfishness. I am SUCH a hypocrite). Lestat is protrayed as something of a tragic villian, or hero, or victim, and evil underneath it all. But I understand him!

Now I've gotta sleep. School tomorrow :(
But think positive :)

God bless, good night
love Q oxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxox

School's Back...

2005-02-01T16:30:00.000+11:00

My first day of SENIOR SCHOOL was today! Last night I was very excited and nervous and couldn't sleep. I even tried holding my breath in hopes that I'd pass out for the night, I was THAT desperate.

Well, my day at school was okay... I really like Visual Design and my other subjects are quite good too, especially Music.
I don't have much to do with the crush guy at school. I waved to him once but he didn't wave back. I don't like him as much as I thought I did, but we'll see.

Now, I must get to sleep quickly, and sleep well.
Goodnight.
Love Q OXOX

Fanfiction is Good!

2005-01-27T17:34:00.000+11:00

I spend my day reading fan-fiction, really! About Savage Garden and the Vampire Chronicles. Right now I'm in a completely blissed-out state from it all. I know it's weird and wrong and geeky. But it's FUN!

Uh, anyway...

Back to school really soon, and I hope the crush guy will like me. I really like him. He keeps appearing in my dreams.

Well, I'm going to read some more fan-fic now.

A bientot, mon amour!

Quinn oxox

Got Cool Stuff

2005-01-25T16:52:00.000+11:00

Today I want to the shops with father... got so much cool stuff.

*two more Anne Rice books, borrowed from library
*retro magazines from Vinnies
*discovered an awesome second-hand shop I didn't know existed. Got Janet "Control" videos (and as I've said before, Janet doesn't disappoint) and La Toya Jackson's autobiography, which I'm reading now... she's so strong. Also Terence Trent D'Arby video (concert+interviews).
*Honey Nut Butterscotch cereal from Coles (is delicious but not nutritious but who cares?)

THE VAMPIRE LESTAT IS SO COOL!

Good night, big love, from Quinn oxox

Noise. Stress. Bitch.

2005-01-24T17:30:00.000+11:00

I stayed up until 1:00 last night, finishing my beautiful Vampire Chronicle. So naturally, I had to sleep in the next morning.
Sleep in: DREAM ON!
My brothers are idiots. They were making stupid sounds and yelling and playing CRAP like Mary Had a Little Lamb on the piano. Mum was teaching them crap on the piano. I was trying to sleep. Inconsiderate bitch.

When I got up, I had a spat with her 'cos of it. She tried to blame it on me. Bitch. Said I shouldn't sleep in... she should learn a value, a very important one... it's called BEING CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS' NEEDS. Bitch. She said I "snapped at her" yesterday (when we were at the library) whenever she said something "slightly out of line". THAT IS A LIE. I asked her for an example; obviously she couldn't think of one. That's 'cos THERE WERE NONE. It was a blatant lie. Bitch.

I hate noise. Even when I was fully awake and up later on, my brothers were being loud fools (aren't all bloody kids?). I stayed in my room for ages, crying and listening to Darren to try and drown out their noise. Eventually I just cracked and tried to shut one of them up in the laundry. He yelled and called father, little shit, so I had to let him out.

Actually, today the whole family was meant to go to Church, then to Sydney to meet rellies at a Chinese restaurant. I wasn't going to go to either, because 1) I'm not religious and 2) I hate Chinese food (so it figures that they WOULD go to a Chinese restaurant).
They didn't end up going to either because Dad didn't want to drive in the "heavy rain". It was barely raining at all.

I'm feeling quite stressed out at the moment. I get stressed easily. People might think that my life is easy, great. I'm smart, living in a free country, have a "nice, stable" family (whatever), good looks, talent, opportunities...
But I have more inner turmoil than they could handle.

Just as well, really, that the superficial/outer aspects of my life are so easy, great. Because otherwise, I would not have survived this far.

But I have, which is GOOD.

Goodnight.
Q oxoxox

Vampire Chronicles!

2005-01-23T17:43:00.000+11:00

Dad has been a complete FUCKWIT to me today. He's an inconsiderate and cruel BASTARD. I really don't have time for him anymore.

Went to the library with Mum today, and borrowed a book which has since changed my life.

Sometimes, I'll read something, or hear something, or see something, and I know that from then on, things will never be the same for me. Like I've unlocked a new concept, a new way of thinking. This book is one of those things.

It's called "Blood Canticle", from the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. Darren Hayes said (in interviews, plus naming his band "Savage Garden") that the Vampire Chronicles were his favourite books so I thought I'd check one out.

Oh. My. GOSH.

I adore and love two of the vampires in the book, Quinn (!) and Lestat, who I think I've found a soulmate in and desperately want to be real. The book is gorgeous... sensual, spiritual, INTOXICATING. Makes me feel accepted. Like I've finally found my place in the universe. Anne Rice is such an exceptional person, to write in such a LOVABLE way. That's it, the book is LOVABLE.

Do I ever know why Darren loves these books now! In some MSN chat thingie with fans he said that he (Darren) was "probably Lestat"... so maybe he's real after all.

Another thing this book has taught me (it's taught me so much, and I haven't even finished it yet!) is to be more open-minded about love (I was open-minded to begin with, but this has REASSURED me). It's okay to love more than just one person (in a romantic way)... no matter what sex... age...
To a certain extent, I suppose.

I also love how the book is deeply religious/spiritual. Without being a particular religion.

It's my scene.

Happy reading!
Love (much), Quinn
oxox

Actions vs Feelings

2005-01-21T17:55:00.000+11:00

The biggest issue on my mind... I think I should tell you about it. I feel like I'm a bad person.

Sure, on the ouside, I'm nice and polite and seem good... but inside, it's like all the good stuff is just for show... not heartfelt is a good way of putting it.

If I ACT nice but don't feel it, it is okay? I really want to FEEL nice, and concerned about people (eg tsunami victims) deep in my soul. But there's like a block or something... I KNOW I should feel more, and I try to make myself. I should FEEL all the nice things I say. The voice in my head tells me to think nice thoughts, but my subconcious mind/soul doesn't always register the things it really should.

I'm not bad. I want to be good.
I love you,
love,
Quinn ox

News

2005-01-20T18:26:00.000+11:00

It feels like ages since I've written, but it's only been 4 days. Odd.

What's new:

*I love Prince more than ever, due to a tape I found of him at Vinnies (I'm addicted to charity shops... you find such awesome stuff) in Sydney. It was some interview he's done in the '90s with Melanie B, and he was so nice, sweet, funny and above all, interesting. Oh, and gorgeous, as always (coolest hair in the world).

*"Went deep" with K the other night. Talked about some of my favourite topics, such as one's TRUE SELF. K is much deeper than I'd previously thought.

*That damn crush I have on the guy she likes is growing. He's the first person in AGES who I've had a crush on, who isn't, well, FAMOUS. And it's hard not just being able to Google him when I need pictures, or info, or whatever. Haha.

SCHOOL! I go back on the 31st, that means only 11 days of school holidays (read: freedom) left. I must admit, though, I'm quite excited. I have new shoes, new white shirt, new bag, new bra. My skin looks pretty nice too- those mask things actually work. Plus new haircut. And new attitude (still being true to myself, of course...!). The worst, most terrifying part of geing back to school is that I have to get up at 6:30.
At least I get to see the crush guy!

Always, accentuate the positive.

love Quinn oxox

We're Back. THANK GOD

2005-01-16T18:00:00.000+11:00

The second day of the Holiday from Hell, we went to Bondi. I got sunburn and a MONSTER headache, because I'm photophobic (meaning I'm basically allergic to bright lights or sun). Also, terrible period pain. Afterwards, we went to a restaurant somewhere else in Sydney and I'll never forgive mother and father for that night. They were so STUPID- insensitive, sneering, sarcastic, selfish.
They were meeting "friends" and we were all (by "we", I am referring to myself, my sister and brothers) tired and sick from Bondi, and just wanted to go home. We ended up at this crappy yet expensive restaurant for HOURS, it was so boring and I genuinely felt like I was gonna pass out. We kept asking to go but they kept ordering more bloody drinks and making pointless smalltalk.
The worst part of the night was not the exhaustion, pain or boredom, but the treatment of us my mother and father. They just made fun of us and laughed about it and acted like it was all fine and WE were the ones who were stupid and inferior.

By the end of our stay in Sydney, I was really, REALLY sick (I am now recuperating at home). Zero energy, exhaustion, hunger, weakness. There was seriously nothing to eat there (I lost a kilo, which is bad news when you only weigh 40kg for 165cm). It was BOILING HOT. I couldn't sleep properly.
One of the all-time worst weeks of my life.

I "have to" stay up tonight to watch/tape Prince and Jermaine Jackson on Rage. Although I really shouldn't.

I'm so tired.

Goodbye, goodnight,
Quinn ox

I'm Starving

2005-01-12T15:30:00.000+11:00

The only thing here (Sydney) to eat is chicken, but when I asked father if I could have some, he said NO, wait 'til everyone comes back (they're on a 7km walk, with little kids. They will take HOURS). Bastard. I told K he was a shithouse parent and she told me, "That's a bad thing to say". But it's true. She needs to open her eyes. He's selfish, unfair, inconsiderate, uncaring, rude... everything I hate in people, and try not to be. He's supposed to be my Dad. I call him "father" now. It's less personal.

Other bad things about here in Sydney:

*It's hot
*It's seriously lacking in privacy, for example there are no locks on the bathrooms and the fact that-
*-I have to share a room with my brothers and sister
*It's boring
*My periods have already started. At the beginning, instead of the end, of the trip
*So much stuff I have, but didn't know I needed, is at home
*We're here for a week

To quote Bart Simpson, this both sucks and blows.

Big news with K. I've found out who she likes (even though I'd kinda guessed already). I've already written about him here, he was part of the "Freaky Crush Statistics". K said I'd better not go out with him... but if I asked, I don't know WHAT I'd say. The crush on him has grown since.
I CAN'T BELIEVE K TOLD ME WHO SHE LIKES!

Well, I'm off to listen to Darren now.
See you later... be strong.

"Another ditch in the road, you keep moving...
Another stop sign, you keep moving on.
And the years go by so fast.
Wonder how I ever made it though".

Darren really has a lyric for every occasion.

Bye-bye.
love from Quinn oxox

LOVE

2005-01-10T16:30:00.000+11:00

I should be packing to go to Sydney, but instead I'm contemplating love. True love... it's so strange (but beautiful). It's awful that people fall in love with people who don't love them back. Annoying for the receiver of the love, heartbreaking for the giver. It'd be so much simpler if everyone just fell in love with the right one every time, only fell in love with people who loved them back.
That doesn't often happen, but I suppose it adds to the appeal (read: ecstacy) when you DO find that you love someone who loves you in the same way. Not that I'd know. This has never happened to me.

When people I don't like in the same way love (this has happened) or simply have a crush on me, it FREAKS ME OUT. I feel sorry for them, yet creeped out, weird and TOTALLY REPULSED. It's a compliment, I suppose, but it seems so unwholesome. Maybe, at age, 16, I feel too young or whatever. But then, when I fall in love/have a crush on someone, it's different. MY love seems pure and nice to me. Is that being hypocritical, or arrogant?

Love is weird. Hard. But I love it, it's my favourite thing, and I can't IMAGINE life without it.

"To live is to love" (really, it is for me), so I hope I'll find someone soon.

Better pack now.

Quinn

Janet's Still Not On

2005-01-09T19:50:00.000+11:00

I'm getting worried about the "holiday" to Sydney next week. I just hope it'll all be okay. Main worries:

Sleeping arrangements
Boredom
Awkwardness with people I may have to meet
Leaving important things at home
The fact that my periods will probably start near the end of the "holiday"
We're leaving our house unattended, apart from the builders who will be there. THEY HAD BETTER STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.

I'm in the middle of cleaning my room (it's a big job).

At the moment, it's cold, in summer. I'm having a hot-water bottle tonight. I hope it doesn't burn me... again. But it's very snuggly. Like having another person in my bed, who doesn't snore. I HATE SNORING.

I'll be careful!
---
12:55

JANET WAS GREAT! Awesome, amazing, fantastic... seriously, it was a really wonderful video.
Man, can she dance!
She's so beautiful.
I like the song now... I've never actually heard the proper version before.

Goodnight (for real this time!)
love Quinn oxox

Waiting for Janet to Come On

2005-01-09T19:01:00.000+11:00

I'm sitting in the loungeroom as I write, waiting for Janet (Jackson)'s video "The Pleasure Principle" to come on. I'm not crazy about the song, but I'm sure I'll love the video. Kylie Minogue is hosting "Countdown". She's sweet, should keep me occupied until Janet's on.

Janet doesn't disappoint.

But seriously, I'd be in bed now if it wasn't for this. Which is unusual for the holidays, normally I wouldn't think about going to bed until at least 1, maybe 2.
Instead of staying up every time a Janet video came on TV, I could just get her DVDs. I've got two of her concert DVDs already: The Velvet Rope and All For You tours. But I'd like her videos too.

BIG BAD NEWS!

I told Dad about Darren's tour possibly coming to Australia and when I told him I really wanted to go, he said "You've got to be kidding". I AM NOT KIDDING. Apparantly he thinks it'd cost too much (it doesn't, and I'd be paying for it my myself anyway), music isn't good live (not true) and he thinks there has to be an adult there with me (I'm 16! Not that I'd be in any danger anway!). WHAT CRAP POINTS! I will go, I'll run away if I have to... SERIOUSLY. I can not miss out on this opportunity. It's not like I regularly see concerts, I haven't seen ANY yet, actually!

I just love Darren. As soon as I started getting interested in his music/persona, I knew it was just... right. I knew I'd found a friend, a "keeper", a star I could devote myself to without fear of losing interest.

I hope that Janet's video comes on soon, so I can sleep and dream of all my soulmates.

Good night.
Big love, kisses,
oxox Quinn oxox

I Love Darren Hayes (and saw him first!)

2005-01-07T08:20:00.000+11:00

K is becoming obsessed with Darren Hayes and Savage Garden. It's probably my fault for letting her watch my tapes of them (he IS irresistable)... but now I'm having a case of the "I saw him first" factor. It happens all the time with me and K. Everyone (famous or not) who I like, she latches onto, too. SHE IS STEALING MY IDENTITY! Today at the shops, she wanted to buy the exact same bag as I already have. Should I be pleased... flattered? No! I should be allowed to be my own person.

I'll draw a picture of Darren tonight... I'm getting better at pictures.

Sweet Dreams (are Made of This...)

love from Quinn

Contemplating Why I Regulary Write Here When Previous Attempts to Keep a "Diary" Have Failed

2005-01-05T20:11:00.000+11:00

The theory is; I am really myself with my soul, I know and accept it.

Nice thought... I'm still growing, but maybe it's a part of it... as in, I realise that I am growing?

Anyway, I'm having a blast!

I've been reading Mary Wilson's (she was one of The Supremes) autobiography and I really love it! I wish I could find some more reading time, and writing time for this diary! I don't love the word "diary"-this is more a collection of thoughts and records- of who I am/was. I think it's different to "diary", anyway.

One of my uncles is here... he annoys me. I yo-yo between liking/admiring him and disliking him very much. I think he has good intentions but there are ghosts from the past, about stuff he's done to me. Nothing really bad, but the little things count.
I've found that just loving everyone and everything is easier, anyhow. And it makes me feel like a nicer person.

I want to be nice and good.
I wish I could FEEL it more...

All the people I TRULY love and are inspired by are nice, good people.

I love.

Sleep well, from Quinn
0x0x

Happy New Year!

2005-01-01T20:35:00.000+11:00

It's 2005!!!
New Year's Day... it's a cool day. A cool time.

Here's some personal info for a "time capsule":

My hair: natural colour, layered and just below my shoulders
Romantic relationships: still none :(
Favourite singers: Darren Hayes and Michael Jackson
State of mind: happy, relaxed, anticipating
Friends: still no best friend... currently "hanging out" in the library at recess and lunch. I use the phrase "hanging out" to make it seem like I want to be there, instead of admitting that I have nowhere else to go
Greatest fear: death
Greatest love: being in love, being loved and generally, love
Ideal career: a guitarist, producer, or SOMETHING in the music biz

What do I hope to achieve this year?

Get better at guitar
See a rock concert (Darren Hayes might be touring?)
Get a best friend
Get a boyfriend (who is my soulmate)
Become fitter
Eat healthier
Love more
Become more positive, open-minded and accepting
Get a job
Enjoy school more
Enjoy life more

Advice on how to do it? Just love and accept yourself, don't be too proud, try not to be too cynical. Try to genuinely love life and people.

I guess that this time next year, I'll see how much I've changed.

Again, Happy New Year. 2004, you were great. I love you. 2005, I can't wait! I love you.

Good nighty-night!
from Quinn
oxoxox

Memories of a Past Life

2004-12-31T17:50:00.000+11:00

Last night I looked through my old electronic organiser. The batteries had run out ages ago and were only just replaced: BUT THE MEMORY WASN'T ERASED.

It was... interesting, to say the least. I've changed soooo much. I'm better now, I think, but I'm sure I'll change again. To who? To what? I don't know. I wouldn't be writing this if I did.

What I found on the organiser (memories of a past life, really) was so cool, funny and/or disturbing. But I'm not going to write it all here or I'll go insane. Just seeing how insane I was.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve... like my birthday and Christmas, there're sure to be tears.

Nighty-night
love from Quinn oxox

Feelings and Things I Hate

2004-12-31T05:20:00.000+11:00

As in, REALLY HATE. Not just dislike. I hate to feel these things to the point of insanity:

mean
ripped-off
ugly/fat
betrayed
bored
fake (as in, not true to my "soul", or whatever)
inferior/not good enough/ not as good as
powerless (eg, against authority) /trapped/frustrated
superficial (in excess...)
alone (physically and mentally)/misunderstood
embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated
loud/obnoxious/dirty (in sexual sense)/yucky
stressed (homework, etc)
real fear (in the face of danger... death... or just terrified at the concept of death)

Things that happen to me, which I hate:
Being woken up by people talking loudly/yelling/bouncing balls/playing piano etc... and lying there having to listen (or get out of bed, which isn't always a choice with the hours I keep)... IT'S TORTURE.

Other stuff to do with sleeping (or NOT sleeping): getting up early, hearing people snoring, not being able to sleep naked in summer (it's a comfort thing!), hot nights, not getting to sleep quickly...

Being falsely accused.

Being teased (when it's a touchy subject, and with me, touchy subjects are ALL subjects), embarrassed or to have a secret found out.

Betrayed. I try to be loyal... some people are UNBELIEVABLE. Being two-faced is NOT ON. I also hate being forced into disloyalty- it happens. There is such a thing as MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

Having to stay at a location for ages (because usually, my parents want to stay so I have no choice). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate people being bloody selfish. Yes, I often feel selfish, but rarely act it.

That's all.
Quinn
ox

Freaky Crush Statistics

2004-12-31T05:00:00.000+11:00

Out of everyone I've had a crush on (even a tiny one) in the past year...

5 out of 7 are musicians of some description.
5 out of 7 are actors of some description.
5 out of 7 are famous (I know that's bad).
5 out of 7 are camp/girlie.
5 out of 7 have (or had at stage) long hair.
5 out of 7 have dark hair, and pale skin.

CAN YOU SEE A PATTERN?!

So, I'm looking for a famous musician-slash-actor with long dark hair and pale skin who is probably gay anyway.

Wish me luck...
love Quinn ox

The Tsunami Disaster is NOT ENTERTAINMENT

2004-12-30T19:01:00.000+11:00

I should feel more sadness, more pain for the tsunami victims. I know that what happened was bad, but I can't feel that way.
DEFINITELY shouldn't feel excited. I should NOT be excited to see the death toll rising. I'M TOO SELFISH.
I actually blame movies like The Day After Tomorrow, etc (such a coincidence that I watched that just days before this happened). They present disasters as entertainment. Not that I should be making excuses for my lack of empathy.

To help me feel, I listened to Savage Garden's song, "You Can Still be Free". I cried about it and the tsunami and it helped a lot. Listened to other sad songs eg "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" and Michael Jackson's "Don't Walk Away". I love them.

Found an anti-Savage Garden website yesterday, which intrigued me. Emailed the webmistress. She seems nice. I love Savage Garden. But I'm OBSESSED with this site: it's interesting, fun and above all makes me FEEL.

Watched Darren's TV special. Loved it. Watched two other cool TV shows- "Outback Jack" and "Wife Swap" (trashy, dodgy, FUN reality TV).

Goodnight,
love from Q ox

Nice vs Honest

2004-12-29T19:01:00.000+11:00

Watched Prince DVD... 'twas okay. He didn't perform many good songs though. Mostly new, dodgy stuff.
To be honest, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would... not much at all.
I hate feeling ripped off.
DON'T BLAME PRINCE! You were the one who bought it.
I'm feeling mean now. Even more than feeling ripped off, I hate feeling mean. But if I can't be honest here, where can I be?
I'm not sure if niceness is more important than honesty... just depends, I guess.
It's confusing!

I just want to like and accept myself. Just be my own soulmate.

Goodnight, kisses,
from Quinn oxox

Sleep

2004-12-28T16:30:00.000+11:00

Christmas has passed... the day wasn't great, to tell the truth. Birthdays, Christmas, what the hell. I should just grow out of them.
Saw relatives on Boxing Day, and I got some cool stuff, I 'spose.

Sleeping at my grandparents' house was NOT good. I had to sleep in the same room, and then the same BED, as one of my brothers. He SNORES. Kept me awake. Started crying because of it on the first night. Bad pillow, uncomfortable small bed.

Went to a shopping centre with Mum today and bought a g-string (my first ever!) and bra. Obviously without Mum's knowledge. She wouldn't understand stuff like that. Also a Jacksons CD (sucked, but what did I expect?) and Prince DVD (haven't watched it yet).

Watched 4 movies at grandparents' house, here are my reviews-
Troy: Sucked. I'd heard that Brad Pitt looks like Darren Hayes, but he doesn't... he's kinda ugly actually. Overally, a boring movie. I couldn't even be bothered watching it 'til the end.
The Day After Tomorrow: Exciting. Cool. Cheesy.
The Goonies: Cool. VERY cool. So camp... love it.
Star Wars Episode 1: Liked it and was glad to like it (all the guys I've ever had a crush on have been Star Wars geeks...). I didn't get to finish watching it though, because Grand Dad "didn't like it".

Also, watched Cruel Intentions tonight at home. Loved it muchly. Very sexual and very unsettling, nice.

The Sydney Morning Herald has named my favourite album (The Tension and the Spark by Darren Hayes) as the Pop Album of the Year, which is nice as it has gone virtually unnoticed by everyone apart from myself and the SMH, it seems. Here's what it said:

"Some people may scoff at Hayes as first choice, but quite frankly, they need to give The Tension and the Spark another listen. Hayes's second solo album is surprisingly sexy, constantly engaging and very dark. Like all good albums, it hits you in the guts and the heart. A great CD".

COOL!

Was so happy for Darren's sake. He'll also be on TV this Wednesday. Most cancel guitar lesson for that time.
--

On Boxing Day, I was PISSED OFF at one of my uncles 'cos I'd wanted to tape something off Video Hits (they have awesome 80s music specials every Christmas/Boxing Day). But he said the VCR wasn't working. True or not (who KNOWS), I was so annoyed and mad and sad and I cried about it in the shower. But I'm over it. Being "over things" is good- it's very FREEING.

Oh, and I got sunburnt. It hurts.

A cool band is Roxette. I have their CD "Joyride" and their DVD. Best song: "Knocking on Every Door".
--

K is in Queensland with friends. One brother, and Mum, are still at my grandparents'. Dad is home. I am home and loving it. My other brother is home and regretting it.

I'm gonna read over this journal. Then I'll, for the first time in days now, get a good night's sleep. I hope!
Good night and sweet dreams
love Q xoxoxox

About My "Big Day"

2004-11-24T18:30:00.000+11:00

Right now, I'm listening to a song by Janet Jackson. It's called "Special".

I woke up at about 7:10am. Saw K, my sister, before she went to school. I'm staying at home, as it is my birthday.

"Everybody needs to feel real special".

Watched kids shows for a while. Everyone leaves, I am alone.

Now I'm listening to Janet's "Velvet Rope". It's sad.

When everyone was away, I sung and stuff. I can't sing. Watched my Savage Garden DVD which was nice. But I still felt empty, it didn't feel like my birthday.

"This special need that's within us... brings out the best... yet worst in us".
"Living the truth will set you free".

Mum came home. I watched the movie "The Scorpion King". Enjoyed it. This movie made Darren Hayes cry, but not me. Maybe we're not as alike as I thought.

"We have a special need... to feel that we belong".

I still think we're alike, though.

Emailed an old friend. It's about time we caught up.

I LOVE JANET!
But listening to Donna Summer (I'm not a big fan, but her Greatest Hits album rocks!) now, a song called "McArthur Park":

"Someone left the cake out in the rain... I don't think that I can take it... 'cause it took so long to bake it... and I'll never have that recipe again".

That song kinda sums up my birthday, really.

My presents pretty much sucked. Either stuff I already knew about, or didn't like, and usually both.

MAYBE MUM DOESN'T KNOW ME AS WELL AS I THOUGHT SHE DID.

I got a digital video camera from Dad. I "accidently" saw it before, so when I got it I had to act really SURPRISED. Spent all afternoon mucking around with the camera. It sucks (cheap, nasty camera). I can't make out what I have just recorded.

Went to Italian restaurant for dinner. I made it clear from the start that I DIDN'T want to go out. But no-one seemed to case. Had an awful time. Felt like I'd cry. Dad and others were laughing at me because I looked upset. Idiots. We stayed at the restaurant for AGES.

At home, I spoke to Grand Dad on the phone. He told me he wouldn't keep me too long. Maybe Grand Dad knows me better than I thought he did.

Listening to a song called "Feel" by Darren Hayes now.

"You teach me how to feel... it feels alright. There's nothing left to fear finding myself... the further I go towards you".

Spoke to two of my uncles on the phone. They're great. I love them.

"You teach me to forgive".

So now I'm lying in bed listening to the music of the people I love best, the people who, really, understand me best. At least, I understand them. Celebrity obsessions are so stupid, unless, of course, they're mine.

The time: 11:23. WOW!!! (the date...)

Crying now. Listening to "Unlovable" by Darren Hayes. It reminds me of how truly crap-tacular my birthday really was. It should have been so special. And I never even got a cake. It's weirdly similar to the lyrics of "Unlovable" (which is probably who I'm listening to it);
"You make me feel like my father never loved me. You make me feel like my mother she abandoned me. You abandoned me".

Crying.

11:33. I would have been born now, 16 years ago.

"Welcome to the world".

'"Doesn't anyone take the place of you in my heart?".

Gotta love you, Darren.

Now listening to Darren's "Light";
"I have been cold, I have been blind. You have come to change my mind".

My 16th birthday wasn't so bad.

I love you, world. "I trust, I put my faith in you".
from Quinn, aged 16 oxoxox